1. I want a girl who wants me for my money.
She also has to be bad at math.
2. I went into a bar and ordered a “double.”
They brought out a guy who looks like me.
3. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
4. I went to the store and bought a decaffeinated coffee table.
You really can’t tell the difference.
5. My teacher accused me of plagiarism.
His words, not mine.
6. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, no one’s laughing now!
7. My parents moved around a lot when I was a kid.
I always found them.
8. Never trust an atom.
They make up everything.
9. I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner on eBay.
It’s just collecting dust.
10. A blonde walks into a bar.
11. Hamburger walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
12. What do you call a dog with no legs?
13. I went to the general store.
I didn’t buy anything specific.
14. I complimented my friend’s moustache.
She’s not my friend anymore.
15. Why did the hipster burn his mouth on a slice of pizza?
He ate it before it was cool.
16. I have a friend who is a dyslexic agnostic insomnia.
He lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
17. When it comes to space jokes, I really space out and never planet!
Sorry, you can’t comet on this.
18. I told my wife that she was too sarcastic.
She responded, “Your viewpoint really matters to me.”
19. What’s blue and smells like red paint?
20. I’ve got a great joke about unemployment.
Too bad it rarely works.
21. A photon walks into a hotel.
The concierge asks if they need help with baggage and the photon says, “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”
22. I went to a seafood disco the other day.
I danced a lot, but I pulled a mussel!
23. A baby seal walked into a club.
24. Two bass drums and a cymbal roll down a hill.
Ba dum tssh.
25. Wanna hear a potassium joke?