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July 28, 2015

The Worst and Funniest Two-Line Jokes

1. I want a girl who wants me for my money.
She also has to be bad at math.

 

2. I went into a bar and ordered a “double.”
They brought out a guy who looks like me.

 

3. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

 

4. I went to the store and bought a decaffeinated coffee table.
You really can’t tell the difference.

 

5. My teacher accused me of plagiarism.
His words, not mine.

 

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6. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, no one’s laughing now!

 

7. My parents moved around a lot when I was a kid.
I always found them.

 

8. Never trust an atom.
They make up everything.

 

9. I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner on eBay.
It’s just collecting dust.

 

10. A blonde walks into a bar.
Ouch.

 

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11. Hamburger walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

 

12. What do you call a dog with no legs?
Matt.

 

13. I went to the general store.
I didn’t buy anything specific.

 

14. I complimented my friend’s moustache.
She’s not my friend anymore.

 

15. Why did the hipster burn his mouth on a slice of pizza?
He ate it before it was cool.

 

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16. I have a friend who is a dyslexic agnostic insomnia.
He lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

 

17. When it comes to space jokes, I really space out and never planet!
Sorry, you can’t comet on this.

 

18. I told my wife that she was too sarcastic.
She responded, “Your viewpoint really matters to me.”

 

19. What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.

 

20. I’ve got a great joke about unemployment.
Too bad it rarely works.

 

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21. A photon walks into a hotel.
The concierge asks if they need help with baggage and the photon says, “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”

 

22. I went to a seafood disco the other day.
I danced a lot, but I pulled a mussel!

 

23. A baby seal walked into a club.
Terrible Inuit?

 

24. Two bass drums and a cymbal roll down a hill.
Ba dum tssh.

 

25. Wanna hear a potassium joke?
K.

 

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