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July 15, 2016

Pokemon GO Makes People GO MENTAL

Awwww!

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Awwww! Look at this cute little Pokemon that appeared on your girlfriend’s finger while she was riding with you in the car! Isn’t that cute? It just makes you wan— OH GOD! PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD OR WE’RE GOING TO DI—

FOMO or Angry Wife?

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When this sort of situation arises, you have 2 choices. You can attempt to capture the Pokemon and forget about mowing the grass… or you can mow the grass like your wife told you to! We suggest the latter as it might have a direct effect on your benefits.

Quick! Catch That Pokemon!

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Quick! If you don’t hurry, you might not be able to catch this Pokemon ever again! Especially not if the truck has it’s way! If you fear for your life, just remember, it might be worth taking the risk… that’s a rare one!

Oh Yeah… That’s Sexy

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We’ll admit it, we’re desperate. But we’re not THAT desperate! Pokemon dancing on a stripper pole is not sexy ANYWHERE outside of Japan. And if we were in the land of the rising sun, we’d be throwing Yen at the stage… but we’re not… so we won’t.

Fat Pokemon? Must Be Walmart!

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And… YES! That is Walmart! What a surprise! A really, REALLY fat Pokemon can be found at Walmart! Sure, he looks like a jolly old fella, but that doesn’t change the fact he needs to lay off the carbs! How else is he going to win those battles?

Go For It, Dude!

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Go for it, man, hunt that Pokemon! Your mini-trident (quaddent?) is ready to strike, so what are you waiting for? A photo-op? What’s the worst thing that could happen, you’ll fail to capture it? Imagine how much regret you’ll have for the rest of your life if you never try!

I’m Just Gonna Hold It

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I thought I had to go to the bathroom, but I think I’m just gonna hold it… considering the situation. Sure, I’m going to be uncomfortable until I find another toilet and I’ll be more susceptible to getting hemorrhoids, but at least a Pokemon rat won’t bite my butt.

Pokemon Peeping Tom

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We all have our fetishes, but this is ridiculous! Who would have thought that some Pokemon are this dirty? This Pokemon is into water sports, we guess. Before you throw that ball, consider the question, do you really WANT this type of Pokemon in your collection?

How To Bring In Customers

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Anyone can advertise, but it takes a real pro to both find, and take advantage of, trends. Since every other coffeeshop now has free wifi, that’s no longer a draw to your establishment. This coffeeshop made sure to become a Pokestop. We assume their sales skyrocketed.

Pokemon Is The Devil!

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Pokemon have no shame and no sense of decency! Just look at this little spawn of Satan defile the sanctity of the church with its idolatrous behavior! Any good Christian should go out of their way to capture this beast and burn it at the stake, as God wishes.

GPS, The Global Pokemon System

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As if bike riding around cars wasn’t dangerous enough already… some soon-to-be-a-statistic genius decided to attach his phone to his bike in an attempt to catch Pokemon during his ride. You can tell how much of a genius he is by his Android phone. Get an iPhone, dude!

Our Tax Dollars At Work!

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It’s good to hear that Pokemon GO is bridging the recently-HUGE gap between the public and the authorities, but we would much rather the cops spend their time patrolling instead of trying to catch Pokemon. That being said, this is a really cool story!

Damn You, Obamacare!

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Looks like Obamacare is a problem even for Pokemon! We love the fact that Obama’s healthcare plan forbids insurance companies from discriminating based on pre-existing conditions, but it’s also created some major problems for certain people… and for Pokemon!

Who’s THIS Pokemon? Urinus?

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Well, this is awkward! You held it for over an hour as your dad refused to pull over at a rest stop, you ran into the bathroom, found a urinal and lo and behold! There was a Pokemon waiting for his apple juice! Might as well just pee your pants, it’ll be more dignified.

This Is Why You Leave The Seat Down!

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That poor Pokemon! We’ve always suspected that Pokemon needed to go to the bathroom… after all, they’re real fictional creatures. But here’s undeniable proof as to why it’s better to leave the toilet seat down. Pokemon have NO idea how dirty toilets really are!

Funniest Thing We’ve Seen Since Our Last LOL

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Now THIS is really funny! We have to give it to the makers of Pokemon GO for creatively placing Pokemon in the real world! And it’s even thematic! It almost makes us NOT want to catch this Pokemon and see what happens when we flip the pan.

Cats Have Superpowers!

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You’ve heard of cats seeing in the dark, feeling people’s emotions and seeing dead people… wait, that was Haley Joel Osment. Well, it looks like you can attribute another ability to our feline friends… the ability to see Pokemon without using a smart phone!

Social Cohesion

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Nothing brings people together socially, while keeping them oblivious to the rest of the world, like Pokemon GO! If you do happen to look up from your phone and see someone playing the game, you might point at them like this… or maybe give them the finger!

Watch That Home Run!

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Catching Pokemon at a professional baseball game sounds like fun, especially when a giant Pokemon invades the field, but you have to remember one thing: Those are professional baseball players who can hit a home run into the stands! Pay attention or get beaned!

Border Disputes

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If you thought that China’s island chain dispute with Japan was bad, you should see what happens when several Pokemon GO players try to compete for the same Pokemon territory! The Bloods and Crips didn’t even have turf battles this bloody!

Detonating Today